February 16, 2016

By Blair Blake

While decompressing from the last Tool tour, Danny revisited the “Black Pearl” showcase dessert at “Mama’s Fish House” restaurant on Maui’s famous North Shore. Although I posted a photo of this glorious chocolate mousse creation the last time he dined there, I thought it was worth another look. So…

Well, just look at it!

The main confectionary component snug in its scrumptious cookie shell; its sugar-dusted sentience practically radiating a prismatic nimbus, with the total presentation almost mocking us … as if somehow being consciously aware that 99% of humans will never get a chance to indulge in its blissfully moist, liqueur-infused interior.

blackpearlMFHBut that’s why they make (again) Hostess chocolate cupcakes. Plop a heaping dollop of Cool Whip on that iconic f**ker, and try to convince yourself that instead of dried out, cracking plastic frosting and a creamy chemical filling that tastes like moldy foam rubber, you are actually gorging on a Polynesian specialty dessert in a tropical island paradise. Because, let’s face it, folks – that’s the closest thing to the Maui Black Pearl that most of us will ever experience. However, if you’re suddenly feeling uptown, and DingDongs aren’t cutting it, I’ll let you in on a little secret: Trader Joe’s gooey Chocolate Lava Cake with a splash of Welch’s lively and exotic passion fruit drink. Hey, it’s just a suggestion. It’s never going to be the same as the celebrated Black Pearl. Not even close. To be perfectly honest, I don’t care if you dunk a Twinkie into some Hershey’s syrup, or shove an Oreo into a Klondike bar! Go ahead, stuff a stale Chips Ahoy sideways into a Choco-Taco, mister upscale! Did you just sell out the “Smoothie King Arena?” The “Baked Potato?” No, I didn’t think so. So once you’re done practicing, grab a Krispy Kreme Chocolate Glazed Pie from the fridge and feel pretty damn good about it…